Happy Eat-Til-You-Puke Day!

Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Jon Stewart:
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

The Sharpie Show

Oktoberfest

I'm up in NE Washington visiting my dad. :) Haven't had much to really post about lately.

But everyone should know that Oktoberfest is oompahing in Mt. Angel, OR! Started today and goes til Sunday!!!

http://www.oktoberfest.org

Community Service Has Come So Far

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

Captain's Log: Earth Date 2009/7/5

I have returned from the brown, flat and heated abyss known as the Midwest.

As the crew and I began our mission out there we knew it would be a hard quest, for our transport's air conditioning unit had failed us.

2,075 miles later and in only 2 days, thanks to our hyper jets, we arrived in an unfamiliar world. The world's sun was blazing. The air humid. And many species unknown back home. Many of them that survive on our blood!

The creatures that lived on this world were surprisingly hospitable. One crew member, 1st Officer Rosenkoetter, is actually a native to this world. And she was able to communicate with the local creatures, allowing us to find food and shelter. The 1st Officer's parents lived here and we were eagerly ushered into their dwelling space.

While visiting this world we managed to find a local mechanic with the appropriate knowledge of our earthcraft. This fine fellow managed to fix our conditioning unit, which was most appreciated for the long journey home.

Our trip home was a struggle, however, for fatigue was setting in on the crew. Morale was low and we all were longing for the familiarity of home.

However, it was a successful mission, with little incident occurring.

The Words of Humans Fill Me With Fear

by Rilke


The words of humans fill me with fear.
They name all the things with articulate sound:
so this is called house and that is called hound,
and the end's over there and the start's over here.

Their thinking is scary, with scorn they have fun;
they know what will come and what came before;
and even the mountain is sacred no more:
their property ends just where God's has begun.

I'm meaning to warn them and stop them: Stay clear!
It's the singing of things I'm longing to hear.
You touch them and stiff and silent they turn.
You're killing the things for whose singing I yearn!

Men & Their Need For Chivalry

Last night I had a conversation with a friend of mine. He said he was having a rough time and felt confused about girls and relationships, mentioning past girlfriends and such.

So early this morning I was thinking about our earlier conversation... I wanted to give him my own observations of what I have seen or experienced over the years.

And here they are...

Men are sometimes obligated to act with chivalry.
Pretty sure, for most men, it is built into them to be protective and chivalrous, which is all well and good until they fall into the category of blind stupid chivalry that ends up messing up their life. One big example of this type would be when a guy stays in a lousy relationship out of a sense of pity (he doesn't want to hurt her feelings) or obligation (he started this thing, he guesses he has to finish it).

More so, one main situation that I seem to see men be blind to is when they buy into the idea that a woman's situation in life, shaggy dog story of terrible experiences, failures or problems are accidents of fate, or bad luck, or incredible circumstances out of her control, or actions of people or persons other than herself... meaning of course that she could do nothing other than what she's done considering what has happened TO her life.
Sure traffic accidents, disease, childhood abuse, or adult assaults do unfortunately happen. But, rather than observing how she handles these realities to learn about her strength, personality, and character, men decide to step in and heroically take over that responsibility for her.

Worse still, if she is still in distress, men assume that their must be some "dragon" to slay. However, dragons are generally the types of things that are OUTSIDE the person and guys need to look to see 1) how heavy a contributor and supporter she is to her own misery, and 2) how hard she works to survive and actually make things better. I know... nerdy analogy... (: but guys won't look or pay attention to these issues if they are off running after the dragon.

(Now for a movie analogy...) In Jerry Maguire, the girl in love with Tom Cruise is thrilled that he's turned to her in his "hour of need," but her sister appropriately comments, "He'd go home with a garden tool if it showed him any attention."

In spite of all the "garbage", some guys are drawn in by a girl's (pathetic) protestations of love and perhaps made guilty (tweak that chivalry!) by her "not wanting to lose him" (because she has so little).

To really be honest, a pretty face and a great body seem to have the magic touch to dumb guys down. Y'all make assumptions about pretty women that ain't necessarily true. While I'm sure there is a biological drive for men to pick up attractive women with wide hips may have some relevance to suggesting superior health and fertility, projecting your genes into future generations isn't the only consideration in human life: mental health, personality, and character are more important to the quality of your life in your own generation.

Ever read Hagar the Horrible comic strips? I read one awhile back online that seems to fall into this category pretty well. He comes across a beautiful damsel in distress tied to a post. He asks, "Excuse me, but aren't you a damsel in distress?" "Yes," she answers. He then asks, "Would you like to be rescued?" "Yes," she replies, "but only by a handsome and young knight in shining armor from a really good family." Hagar walks away confused. "Damsels are getting more picky every day."

So, perhaps the damsels in distress don't really want a man's help. Perhaps they want him to be their life or to give them a life and take responsibility for them so that they don't have to exert effort to fix it themselves. And so that, unfortunately, the guy can be the one to blame when they just don't "feel" better.

I think the "fix-it" mentality is part of the reason that the self-proclaimed nice guys fall into bottomless pits. Chivalry IS a good thing. Stupid chivalry is not only not a good thing, it's a black hole that sometimes seems so obvious to everyone around the guy when they are doing it, yet it's difficult to let go.

In all fairness to men, they seem to be pretty outwardly focused, meaning they don't usually spend a lot of time ruminating over their motivations and anxieties. When men end up becoming an "escape ladder for the damsel" they start to wander toward the "stupid chivalry."

One trait seeming to be more typical of guys than girls is taking the opposite sex at "face value." Us women, unfortunately, are more like paranoid shrinks asking questions like, "What does that REALLY mean?" or "What are you REALLY saying?" or "What are you REALLY feeling?"

Whereas, stereotypically, guys, even if they do bother to ask for a clarification, rarely think much about the response they get. If I were to be cynical I'd say it's because you men really don't care very much. I don't believe that's generally true at all, though. What I do think is that guys are all basically intimidated by the powerful and seemingly unpredictable emotions of women (like my friend had said, us girls are all psychotic on some level :) ... )

I could go on, but I don't want to.

I will leave you with this thought though... damsels perpetually in distress are usually the architects of their own miserable prisons and problems.

If Today Was Your Last Day - If Tomorrow Was Too Late

"Each day's a gift and not a given right."

If today was your last day, would you be happy with how you've spent your life? Would you be happy with the choices you made and where you have ended up? If today was your last day... how would you live it? I'm not speaking of the kitsch, tawdry, or cheesy responses of what amazing fun things you were do with your last remaining hours but rather what should really be important in life.

Would you take the path less traveled? Forget your fears and inhibitions that have only kept you from doing what you've only dreamed of? Not let anything or anyone stand in your way for what you want to accomplish.

If tomorrow was too late, would you really live each moment like your last?

"What's worth the price is always worth the fight."

Live life like you're never living twice. Don't take the free ride or put yourself on auto-pilot. You can miss out on so much. The friends you could have had, the joys the bond people together, the pain that makes you stronger. The many lessons one learns.

If today was your last day, would you finally call old friends you never see? Would it take such an event for you to start living, start caring? Would you take that chance to be with someone you care about, to not have to wonder about the "what ifs"? To reminisce about old memories and forgive those who have hurt you? If today was your last day, would you take your grudges to your grave?

How would you make your mark? Regardless of who you are or who you think you are.
Would you do whatever it takes? You can never rewind a moment in this life. The hands of time are never on your side.

PISS OFF POSTIE!

It's The Little Things...

It's the little things in life that make me happy....

....like coffee. Mmmmmm..... coffeeeeeee


My New Coffee Pot



Put a cup up to it, press against button, and liquid goodness dispenses.

Maniacal Sabbatical

Wow! I haven't written in awhile. Well... a lot of shit has happened. But rather than boring you with details I will leave you with a new poem of mine.

Get out your thesaurus if you need. ;) hahaha

Maniacal Sabbatical

disposition
on a
prepubescence
past time

the total
of one's
nature
variegated

encompassed
by a herd
of perturbed
walnuts

rosy-cheeked
rectification

Not-So-Secret Secrets

• Sometimes I wish I would die under tragic circumstances while I'm still young, so people will remember me for everything I could have been, instead of growing older and failing to live up to the expectations set for me.
  
  
• The previous statement I took this from a postcard sent into PostSecret and used it as my own.
  
  
• I sometimes think it'd be fun to get in a major car accident.
  
  
• I generally dislike small-talk. I see nothing wrong with silence and I feel no need to fill the void with inconsequential babbling.
  
  
• I am self-destructive, manipulative, self-mutilating, self-medicating, bitter, nefarious and anti-social .... and I like it.
  
  
• I prefer the night from daylight. The idea or feeling of not being so exposed to the world is comforting. The silence at night, I both enjoy and despise. While there is less distraction, there is also an overwhelming sense of abandonment and loneliness.
  
  
• I've sent multiple cards into PostSecret and wish I actually had the backbone to say what I write and to live my life how I believe I would be most happy.
  
  
• While I am a stereotypical American who loves money and the materialistic gains I can achieve from it - I honestly would rather not have to deal with anything money-related.
  
  
• I sometimes wish I could be a nomadic hobo. Not because I think it'd be fun, but because I think I would appreciate life more.
  
  
• It irritates me to no end when I'm on the phone with someone who is either a) watching television and not talking to me, but not saying they have to go or b) talking to someone else near them, ignoring me.
  
  
• Most of the time when people call I pretend I don't hear the phone or I'm not home. Not because I don't like the person, but because I hate phones.
  
  
• Then again, I sometimes pretend I'm not home when people knock.
  
  
• I personally despise being dependent on medication.
  
  
• I pride myself on being similar to my father... I'm not sure if that's such a great thing.
  
  
• I have abandonment issues.
  
  
• If someone asks me about personal problems I usually brush things off as if things are looking up.
  
  
• I have gotten sort of use to it now, but part of me still can't stand being asked, "Are you okay?"
  ---- Especially when I'm feeling fine - happy even - and people assume something must be wrong because I'm not flapping my jaw.
  
  
• I dislike counseling. Not because I think it's a crock... but because I'm afraid of change. I don't think I'll like who I may become. I'm use to how I am now.
  
  
• While I love technology and typing on the computer, there is something romantic and calming about writing things out long hand - even more so in pen.
  
  
• I have never been arrested, but when I was in the 4th grade I was detained by 2 or 3 police men.
  
  
• I pride myself on being tomboy-ish, but wish I had the confidence to be more girlie.
  
  
• I feel most like myself when around those that live monetary-average lives, cuss freely, have tattoos and have piercings.
  
  
• I wish I had the opportunity to live in Europe.
  
  
• I identify myself with the skater/punk/tattooed crowd, but often feel like a poser when I dress like them.
  
  
• I can hardly ever sit still. I often have to be popping my knuckles, twitching my leg or foot, or be playing with something such as a pencil.
  
  
• When writing stories, papers or poetry I try to use larger vocabulary. I love vocab but fail to recall words when actually speaking.
  
  
• I wish that I could be a part of a female or co-ed version of a real life Fight Club.
  
  
• I love listening to LPs (records) and believe that it is the only correct way to listen to classical music (the exception is listening to it live).
  
  
• I generally despise "girl-talk", gossip and, for the most part, loathe hanging out with the female gender ... however there are exceptions.
  
  
• I hate social norms and the retribution/peer-pressure that appears or becomes apparent when you stray from it.

A Poem to Share

I generally save my poetry for my poetry blog, "From the Mind of a Versifying Artist", but I felt like sharing this one on here as well. A fairly new one, wrote it just earlier this week, if I remember correctly.

Thoroughfare Vagrant

small gamine
squalling
a token of
abandonment

frame fatigued
and worn
dogs barking
shuffling
staggering along

perception is
attentive
trepidation encircling
anticipate
every night terror
drawing breath

attempts to
remain afloat
recollection of
a barren
buckthorn

recumbent on
cobble stone
drawing the
drapery to
one’s
subconscious
to arise
nevermore

The Taboo of Mixed-Gender Friendships

THE SHORT VERSION

One of the most annoying situations for me is the taboo of men and women being close friends, ESPECIALLY if one or both are married or in a relationship. If they are friends, it is likely that the spouse is also heavily involved in this friendship and the two friends hardly ever hang out together without at least one of the spouses/significant others around.

It is not to be said that the male/female friend and husband/wife should not be friends as well and/or that they shouldn’t ever hang out together along with the woman/man, but that this male/female friend would is primarily the woman/man’s friend. Usually this situation occurs when the male/female friend and woman/man have known each other longer than the woman/man has known her/his spouse.

Some may think that this becomes a predicament because, in a girl’s case, the girl may have grown up a tomboy. Or that in some cases the female gender generally annoys the woman because she is not interested in trivial gossip, shopping and scrap booking. So, while growing up, the majority of her friends would usually be guys.

-----

This taboo is seen, in my opinion, most frequently in a church setting. I remember as a teenager sitting in my youth group listening to someone announce the etiquette of how one goes about asking for help with anything spiritual, life lessons, etc. If you were a boy you would talk to the Youth Pastor. If you were a girl, you would talk with his wife or with the Youth Pastor, so long as his wife or another woman was present.

Immediately I thought this to be incredibly annoying. I didn’t want to talk to the damn wife. Yes she was there to help, but she was not the leader that was hired and was shown to be qualified to help the youth. When dealing with underage teenagers, I understand the specific guidelines that need to be issued for sake of some legal reason, let’s face it; do I need to say anything more than “catholic priests”? Even worse, that particular scenario usually entails same gender children.

However, I feel that if we are both adults and you need to talk with me in a public room, with another person present or in a room with the door open – because I’m of the opposite sex – I think you are insecure. You may call it staving unneeded rumors, but I just call it insecurity.

Basically, I am annoyed with the ingrained feeling I have that I will never have the chance to be as close with a male teacher, leader, friend, pastor, authority figure, etc. as another male, simply because I am female.

Cows and the Government

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

Useless Facts of the Day

I read awhile back that women with short hair have less of a chance of being raped than women with long hair...... SO CHOP THOSE HAIR-DOS LADIES!

Here are some other totally random and useless facts:

• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
  (watch out for those crazy donkeys, especially the long haired ones...)
  
  
• More than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products
  (all the more reason for the Leftorium)
  
  
• The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
  (high in fiber you know... )
  
  
• You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
  (in other words... you are NOT special)
  
  
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
  (easiest exercise program ever! may cause brain damage, but it's ok, you won't remember)
  
  
• It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip your ear off.
  (so really... Van Gogh was a pansy because he had to use a knife)
  
  
• You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself.
  (see... I told you... eating IS a sport)
  
  
• On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonalds BigMac bun.
  (that means it's healthy... right?)
  
  
• Odds of being killed by falling out of bed - 1 in 2 million.
  (I guess I'm a rare exception)
  
  
• Odds of being killed in a plane crash -1 in 25 million.
  (although, if a donkey is on the plane, the odds greatly change)
  
  
• The Apollo 11 only had 20 seconds of fuel when it landed.
  (they were screwed from the beginning)
  
  
• Airbags explode at 200 miles (322 km) per hour.
  (if the impact don't kill you, the object meant to save you will)
  
  
• The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.
  (Mmmm... nothing like a spit filled pool. Now just add urine for the full effect of being in a public pool)
  
  
• Your brain weighs around 3 pounds. All but ten ounces is water.
  (you're not as smart as you think you is...)
  
  
• A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds.
  (and a puppy a murdered every 5 seconds for said can being opened)
  
  
• If you gave each human on earth an equal portion of dry land, including the uninhabitable areas, everyone would get roughly 100 square feet (30.4 m).
  (don't you feel special now?)
  
  
• Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
  (hence the majority of us are disgustingly obese and just reply with, "please sir, can i have some more?")
  
  
• More Monopoly money is printed in a year than real money throughout the world.
  (no wonder the economy is in the shitter)
  
  
• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
  (time for mass ethnic cleansing! wait... did i say that out loud? my bad...)
  
  
• The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
  (and according to Freud you probably want to have sex with your parents)
  
  
• The average person laughs 15 times a day.
  (poor emo kids and there lack of humor)
  
  
• It has been calculated that in the last 3,500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilized world.
  (we should be due, right? meh... peace is for pansies...)
  

Aging: An Epidemic

Talking about the deeper meaning of life and death is still a taboo in American culture and many others. Even today, we still feel uncomfortable and awkward talking about these types of issues. Sex is not nearly as much of a taboo subject as it once was. In fact, no topic is held back from public display and discussion, except for death. Death is something we want to forget about. A 1991 Gallup poll showed that Americans almost never think of death, or think of it only occasionally.

Throughout the world, death and the rituals that surround it are steeped in taboos. Death is celebrated, embraced and feared. Around death and the dead, cultures put in place diverse restrictions and practices associated with clothing, food and ritual.

If death is such a commonality in life, then why do we not like to talk of it? Long hospital stays, in which independent decision-making and privacy are reduced, are seen as a loss of dignity. Additionally there comes a social loss, which also first has to be coped with. Also important is the religious philosophical attitude of the afflicted. The worry about surviving dependents and not yet finished things pose an added burden.

The conflict about dying is an ongoing process in which feelings such as fear, depression and anger are "normal", calling for different adaptation and defense mechanisms at different times.
Today, even getting old is seen as a disease and is also, like death, becoming a taboo. Not just for women, however, but for an increasing number of men as well. The word taboo conveys the fear and the threat of social rejection. An aging body may be perceived as impure/deteriorated, no longer deserving any social worth, and even attention. In high-income countries, aging is increasingly deprived of value, although with a milder slope for men in comparison to women, and for the rich in comparison to the poor. The taboo is therefore associated with social discrimination.

In an article titled Is Looking Your Age Now Taboo? by Natasha Singer, she talks with Susan Burke, a woman who recently turned 50 and is feeling the pressure of needing to do something about the wrinkles she now sees in the mirror. Though the number of Americans who regularly have cosmetic facial injections is estimated to be only about one million, the mere availability of the procedures has heightened the pressure on women over 30 to consider a level of intervention that until recently was embraced only by the famous or the rich.

“Women have always been under pressure to look good, but that has increased recently because we have become so used to seeing perfect, unwrinkled faces,” Ms. Burke said. “Now when you see someone who looks like a raisin or a prune, it seems so unusual that you are almost repulsed.”

There was a time when mothers made it taboo for their children to attempt anything that did not fit their age; for example, girls were forbidden to use cosmetics till quite late in their lives and strict curfews were given to boys until they were deemed mature enough to stay out later. These are just a couple of things that parents kept strictly under their control, and their duty as parents generally involved preserving their child’s innocence for as long as they could. As they grew older, children got to taste the new experiences that come with age and learned to savor and appreciate them. Unfortunately, in the nauseating society we live in today, the lines have been blurred between children and adults.

Our celebrities of Hollywood are just one, but a major, example of what causes this blur. We are all exposed to what is supposed to be beauty perfected. However, even if we are not swayed by the Barbie and Ken doll figures we see before us, others around us are and we begin to feel the pressures to fit in.

As Jacqueline Bailey, a friend of mine, counted the wrinkles on her face, she said she realized that she knows them. “I can trace each one, remember which situations and which people caused them to exist. Some memories are painful – there are new lines that softly cross my forehead…” Bailey states. “But some are quite wonderful – my laugh lines have deepened, now that I have rediscovered the importance of laughter and nurturing friendships…”
I believe that Bailey puts it best by saying, “These lines are mine. I know where each and every one came from. I own them. And I've earned them. And why would I want to erase my life from my face?”

Why, indeed? Why are we all hung up on what we look like? Unfortunately we live in a society that puts the taut and smooth surfaces of youth on a pedestal, and for many like Susan Burke and Jacqueline Bailey, their faces are ones that are recognized as lined and aging. Is lined and aging a bad thing? Not in my opinion. As the saying goes, “with age comes wisdom.” If we hide our age, then are we hiding our wisdom? Why would we want to appear more ignorant than we are? Or perhaps, for many, it is because we are so ignorant that we hide the wrinkles.