Fall: A Time of Reflection

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are

With the weather getting colder, I notice that I start to become more nostalgic. I look back to where I was in life and compare it to where I am now. It's a bittersweet feeling, as I imagine it often is for most.

Two years ago, around this time, I was just transferring to WOU as a Junior in the Art program. I was married. Excited for my new start as an art major at a new school. I had a husband who loved me and a dog that I adored. (Notice the wording of that previous sentence... if you read into it, it probably explains a bit of how I was back then.) I had a great life. A life that I'm sure some friends envied. I was only 23 years old, almost 24, and was married, lived in the hills of West Salem in a beautiful two story house. My husband and I would go on several mini-vacations through out the year and a big vacation during the summers. I had the life. The American dream for some. But alas, I was unhappy through it all. Why? Well, it's not something I feel the need to explain anymore. I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand it all myself.

Fast forward a year. I was 24, almost 25. I had separated from my husband in the Spring and was living with a friend. Over the summer the divorce was finalized. I had started dating a guy who I thought was great. The beginning of Fall term, my second year at WOU, was fast approaching. I was happier with my life. A fresh start I thought. A new beginning. Part way through Fall term the guy and I move in together. A different approach to exclusiveness for me, since marriage was the farthest thing from my mind. A taboo word for me even. We dated for 10 months, until the beginning of summer this year. Without going down a rabbit trail, we can just say he was not a good match for me.

Another new school year is approaching. I am still at WOU, still an art major. This time, however, I am going into this school year as a single woman. No attachments to any significant other. Not to mention I am also now living more on my own than I ever have before. It's a new feeling for me. Scares me, quite frankly. But it's also a good feeling. I am a serial monogamist. I go from one relationship to another with not much time in-between where I am actually single. No time to just be my own person. No chance to be my own person. Because I am a people pleaser when it comes to relationships. If there is a problem, I will change in order to fix it. Over the past few months I have realized this about myself and am in the process of actually standing up for myself and not being walked all over... but those of you who are similar probably can sympathize how difficult it is to change a part of your own personality, even if it is for the better.

Overall, I'm excited for this new school year. I am excited for what this new year will bring. I am terrified of being a responsible adult, but I think I'll be okay. I still have close friends and people who care about me.

But sometimes it's hard to be optimistic about certain life situations when all you truly want is to be accepted and loved by someone who you are also madly in love with. Is it really just a fairy tale? A hopeless romantic thought? Am I damned to repeat a cycle of "new beginnings" every Fall?

Men & Their Need For Chivalry

Last night I had a conversation with a friend of mine. He said he was having a rough time and felt confused about girls and relationships, mentioning past girlfriends and such.

So early this morning I was thinking about our earlier conversation... I wanted to give him my own observations of what I have seen or experienced over the years.

And here they are...

Men are sometimes obligated to act with chivalry.
Pretty sure, for most men, it is built into them to be protective and chivalrous, which is all well and good until they fall into the category of blind stupid chivalry that ends up messing up their life. One big example of this type would be when a guy stays in a lousy relationship out of a sense of pity (he doesn't want to hurt her feelings) or obligation (he started this thing, he guesses he has to finish it).

More so, one main situation that I seem to see men be blind to is when they buy into the idea that a woman's situation in life, shaggy dog story of terrible experiences, failures or problems are accidents of fate, or bad luck, or incredible circumstances out of her control, or actions of people or persons other than herself... meaning of course that she could do nothing other than what she's done considering what has happened TO her life.
Sure traffic accidents, disease, childhood abuse, or adult assaults do unfortunately happen. But, rather than observing how she handles these realities to learn about her strength, personality, and character, men decide to step in and heroically take over that responsibility for her.

Worse still, if she is still in distress, men assume that their must be some "dragon" to slay. However, dragons are generally the types of things that are OUTSIDE the person and guys need to look to see 1) how heavy a contributor and supporter she is to her own misery, and 2) how hard she works to survive and actually make things better. I know... nerdy analogy... (: but guys won't look or pay attention to these issues if they are off running after the dragon.

(Now for a movie analogy...) In Jerry Maguire, the girl in love with Tom Cruise is thrilled that he's turned to her in his "hour of need," but her sister appropriately comments, "He'd go home with a garden tool if it showed him any attention."

In spite of all the "garbage", some guys are drawn in by a girl's (pathetic) protestations of love and perhaps made guilty (tweak that chivalry!) by her "not wanting to lose him" (because she has so little).

To really be honest, a pretty face and a great body seem to have the magic touch to dumb guys down. Y'all make assumptions about pretty women that ain't necessarily true. While I'm sure there is a biological drive for men to pick up attractive women with wide hips may have some relevance to suggesting superior health and fertility, projecting your genes into future generations isn't the only consideration in human life: mental health, personality, and character are more important to the quality of your life in your own generation.

Ever read Hagar the Horrible comic strips? I read one awhile back online that seems to fall into this category pretty well. He comes across a beautiful damsel in distress tied to a post. He asks, "Excuse me, but aren't you a damsel in distress?" "Yes," she answers. He then asks, "Would you like to be rescued?" "Yes," she replies, "but only by a handsome and young knight in shining armor from a really good family." Hagar walks away confused. "Damsels are getting more picky every day."

So, perhaps the damsels in distress don't really want a man's help. Perhaps they want him to be their life or to give them a life and take responsibility for them so that they don't have to exert effort to fix it themselves. And so that, unfortunately, the guy can be the one to blame when they just don't "feel" better.

I think the "fix-it" mentality is part of the reason that the self-proclaimed nice guys fall into bottomless pits. Chivalry IS a good thing. Stupid chivalry is not only not a good thing, it's a black hole that sometimes seems so obvious to everyone around the guy when they are doing it, yet it's difficult to let go.

In all fairness to men, they seem to be pretty outwardly focused, meaning they don't usually spend a lot of time ruminating over their motivations and anxieties. When men end up becoming an "escape ladder for the damsel" they start to wander toward the "stupid chivalry."

One trait seeming to be more typical of guys than girls is taking the opposite sex at "face value." Us women, unfortunately, are more like paranoid shrinks asking questions like, "What does that REALLY mean?" or "What are you REALLY saying?" or "What are you REALLY feeling?"

Whereas, stereotypically, guys, even if they do bother to ask for a clarification, rarely think much about the response they get. If I were to be cynical I'd say it's because you men really don't care very much. I don't believe that's generally true at all, though. What I do think is that guys are all basically intimidated by the powerful and seemingly unpredictable emotions of women (like my friend had said, us girls are all psychotic on some level :) ... )

I could go on, but I don't want to.

I will leave you with this thought though... damsels perpetually in distress are usually the architects of their own miserable prisons and problems.

The Taboo of Mixed-Gender Friendships

THE SHORT VERSION

One of the most annoying situations for me is the taboo of men and women being close friends, ESPECIALLY if one or both are married or in a relationship. If they are friends, it is likely that the spouse is also heavily involved in this friendship and the two friends hardly ever hang out together without at least one of the spouses/significant others around.

It is not to be said that the male/female friend and husband/wife should not be friends as well and/or that they shouldn’t ever hang out together along with the woman/man, but that this male/female friend would is primarily the woman/man’s friend. Usually this situation occurs when the male/female friend and woman/man have known each other longer than the woman/man has known her/his spouse.

Some may think that this becomes a predicament because, in a girl’s case, the girl may have grown up a tomboy. Or that in some cases the female gender generally annoys the woman because she is not interested in trivial gossip, shopping and scrap booking. So, while growing up, the majority of her friends would usually be guys.

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This taboo is seen, in my opinion, most frequently in a church setting. I remember as a teenager sitting in my youth group listening to someone announce the etiquette of how one goes about asking for help with anything spiritual, life lessons, etc. If you were a boy you would talk to the Youth Pastor. If you were a girl, you would talk with his wife or with the Youth Pastor, so long as his wife or another woman was present.

Immediately I thought this to be incredibly annoying. I didn’t want to talk to the damn wife. Yes she was there to help, but she was not the leader that was hired and was shown to be qualified to help the youth. When dealing with underage teenagers, I understand the specific guidelines that need to be issued for sake of some legal reason, let’s face it; do I need to say anything more than “catholic priests”? Even worse, that particular scenario usually entails same gender children.

However, I feel that if we are both adults and you need to talk with me in a public room, with another person present or in a room with the door open – because I’m of the opposite sex – I think you are insecure. You may call it staving unneeded rumors, but I just call it insecurity.

Basically, I am annoyed with the ingrained feeling I have that I will never have the chance to be as close with a male teacher, leader, friend, pastor, authority figure, etc. as another male, simply because I am female.