This makes me sad, because it all mostly sounds true.

I complain a lot. I know I do. And what's frustrating is that I grew up around a girl that use to complain all the time. I use to think she "wasn't happy unless she had something to complain about." Well now I'M that girl and it pisses me off.... is that irony? I don't know.

I hear or read about what people think of those of us with BPD, and it makes me sad... because it all mostly sounds true:

"People with BPD are needy and demanding and tend to be overly dramatic in expressing their needs. They have no problem expressing their needs, and do it regularly and often, and they do not realize that most of the time their reactions to perceived slights are inappropriate. And they tend to feel slighted in almost all relationships.

Because for borderlines, its all about them all the time. They demand love and attention, and feel intense emotion when they don't get what they want in relationships with other people. Being in relationship either as a friend, family member or romantic partner with someone who is borderline is exhausting and stress-filled. The borderline can go from expressing extreme despair to extreme fury in seconds, and blame everyone else for their problems.

These people are the perpetual "victim" all the time. Borderlines can be charming and sweet, but it soon turns ugly when you do or say something that they interpret as not giving them what they think they "deserve". This is why others feel they are manipulative. Unless a person who has borderline personality disorder successfully participates in psychological counseling, all their relationships will be unsatisfying to them and ultimately they will get what they fear the most --- abandonment by those they want to be close to. They drive people away. Borderlines are exhausting people who suck the joy and life out of almost every situation because of their desperate insecurities and focus on the self."

Whoever wrote this obviously has some strong feelings towards people with BPD, but I can sympathize. If I had to put up with someone like me, well, I probably wouldn't. My boyfriend is a saint, it seems. (Just don't tell him I said that.)

Though personally, I know I'm not as horrible as this person is describing. Oh sure, I've been there, I've acted like what he/she describes, but I've also become more aware of myself in the past couple years.

Every day is a fucking battle, and sure, some days I let the pain and anger and all that other nonsense win... but other days, I count it a victory if I'm able to function like a "normal" human being. My victories may look small or even mundane to others, but they aren't to me.

Alice

Remember, Remember, the 5th of November

Geeking Out

I feel the need to share these things and I get tired of posting on Facebook. Click on any images to enlarge.

1) Super Hero Cake

I WANT this cake! Anyone reading, feel free to make this for my 26th birthday
(November 12th... just in case). ;) I do feel like the Green Lantern needs to be shown on here some how though. It's just not right for the Emerald Knight to be missing...

2) Html Cake

Here's another geeky birthday cake I thought was pretty funny. I saw this awhile ago and have had the picture saved on my computer for awhile.

3) Lego Matrix

4) The Evolution of the Geek

Which Geek Are You?

5) Atari Wall Decals (ThinkGeek.com)

6) Lego USB Memory Brick (ThinkGeek.com)

You can even stack 'em :)

7) Crayon Executive Pen (ThinkGeek.com)

Ballpoint pen that looks like a giant crayon!

8) 8-Bit Hanger (ThinkGeek.com)

Bringing your 2D User Interface into the real world

9) Laser Guided Scissors




































10) His & Hers Chromosome Towels

Geeky Housewarming or Wedding Gift - Discount at ThinkGeek.com if you buy a set (in any combination)

11) World's First Robot Pop Star

For an article on it, click here

12) A Ring to Rule All Geeks


13) Geeking Out for Halloween






























14) Marvel Superheroes Re-Imagined in the World of TRON!

For more, go here.

Is Art Essential?

"See those people standing on the side of the road? The ones with the cardboard signs and are asking for spare change? Yeah, those people were Art majors."

That is what I was told by a friend when they first found out what I was in school for. Yes, it's still somewhat funny... I even retorted with, "Sure, but I'll have the best damn looking sign out there!"

I get tired of the pessimists though. Those that only think of practical solutions, instead of fulfilling their dreams. "Teacher" is an acceptable answer for the "What are you going to do with an Art degree?" question... by the way... in case you didn't know. See, the fact that you are even considering art as a career path worries the pessimists. Say that you are going to just BE an artist... well now... you might as well get use to your significant other having to take care of you for the rest of your life. There's no way you'd be able to become successful enough to support yourself, let alone a whole freakin' family!

It's true that many who try to break into the art world don't become as successful or famous as they may have dreamed, but isn't it better that they at least gave it a shot?

Now, there are people who ask about your career goal just genuinely wanting to know, but there are others who, even after giving them your (well rehearsed, lawyer-esque) closing statement... I mean, explanation, still believe your chosen path to be a waste of time and money - especially money.

As an artist, and a mediocre one at that, I will always believe art to be an essential part of life. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me. Everyone within our society, our culture.

(The following are a few of my own ideas and excerpts/thoughts from an article titled "Is Art Essential?" by Donald Harris:)

Art is not only everywhere, it also transcends time. "There is no geographical, ethic, or history boundary." Through art we understand the artist, we understand people, we start to understand our many differences.

Art often reflects the complexity that is within the human mind. Emotions are incredibly hard to understand or even describe. "Otherwise, it would be relatively simple to define love or passion, or hate, or anger, or contemplation, or happiness, or grief, or sorrow."

Emotions - a nonverbal form of communication. It can exist in works of art such as paintings, sculptures, music, or dance. Art also describes feelings in verbal communications such as theatre, poetry, or books. Our emotional life is the most uncontrolled or unpredictable, but clearly a part of our lives that informs our thoughts and actions as much as our intellect. "Art expresses the depth and variety or passions that are a fundamental part of our existence."

With the ability to express our inner desires or worries, in a visual form, we are capable of problem-solving. There are very few situations, experiences, or problems that only have a single solution (those exceptions being something like a mathematical equation).

Many non-artists, those that don't even doodle a little, probably can't grasp how much thought really goes into the creation of an art piece. Art is all about ideas... the rational activity of neurons lighting up in the brain to, in a sense, problem solve.

In works of art there are several outcomes available to the artist, each quite different to each other but still solid answers. Two painters can look at the exact same tree but interpret the surroundings, colors, and textures in completely different ways...

"Can we then conclude that art is essential? From a sociological or political standpoint, probably not. There are problems that are more urgent and compelling. We cannot expect from art that which it cannot promise or deliver, such as shelter for the homeless or jobs for the unemployed. On the other hand, is there something essential about the art that makes it compelling, worthy or our attention, fundamental to an understanding of ourselves and our fellow human being wherever they may be found on this earth, indispensable to our growth as educated and compassionate citizens, or a necessary component to the appreciation and enjoyment of historical achievements?"

Art can be seen as quintessential to an understanding of life in all of its diversity, richness, and depth.

Art teaches us that, in art and in life, there is more than one way to describe the same issue, equally revealing, equally compelling. It's another form of tolerance and understanding. Art is about making choices.

"Long hair is an unpardonable offense which should be punishable by death." ~ Steven Morrissey

Whether you're a shoulder-length conservative or you like to clip it back, hairstyles are something that change with the times. One year, it might be the "in thing" to wear braids or cornrows... the next, may be pony tails high on your head or some wildly teased hair from something out of a horror show. No matter what the style, one thing remains unchanged. People continue to wear styles pertinent to their time, their idea of what's "in," their likes and dislikes. We are a very eclectic, fussy bunch of hair types.

Usually, hairstyles are reflections of our personality. For example, in the 50s a "duck butt" hairstyle was popular, and "greasers" slicked back their hair for a rebel-like look. In the 90s, mohawks were the perfect additions to tattoos and piercings. In the 80s, a mullet seemed like a good idea... but today, they are only for hicks. Also in the 80s, girls wanted feathered hair (a la Farrah Fawcett from Charlie's Angels), and the big hairstyle was seen as overtly sexy for young girls. Today, there are emo kids who deliberately try to get their hair styled so that it looks like they randomly cut into it using kitchen scissors, and they dye their hair black. Hairstyles can help us achieve how we want to be perceived.

On the other hand, a bad haircut can actually directly affect our personality.

As for me, I know I prefer short hair. People can assume I'm gay, boyish, whatever... but I just say I'm me. It's more comfortable, easier to take care of, and I feel more like myself. For whatever reason I feel like I am trying to be someone I'm not when I have long hair. It's uncomfortable to me... inside and out.

Several friends have even said short hair suits me better. I like to be active and having hair whipping around my face displeases me.

All this post's really saying is... Yay for Short Hair! :o)

Fall: A Time of Reflection

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are

With the weather getting colder, I notice that I start to become more nostalgic. I look back to where I was in life and compare it to where I am now. It's a bittersweet feeling, as I imagine it often is for most.

Two years ago, around this time, I was just transferring to WOU as a Junior in the Art program. I was married. Excited for my new start as an art major at a new school. I had a husband who loved me and a dog that I adored. (Notice the wording of that previous sentence... if you read into it, it probably explains a bit of how I was back then.) I had a great life. A life that I'm sure some friends envied. I was only 23 years old, almost 24, and was married, lived in the hills of West Salem in a beautiful two story house. My husband and I would go on several mini-vacations through out the year and a big vacation during the summers. I had the life. The American dream for some. But alas, I was unhappy through it all. Why? Well, it's not something I feel the need to explain anymore. I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand it all myself.

Fast forward a year. I was 24, almost 25. I had separated from my husband in the Spring and was living with a friend. Over the summer the divorce was finalized. I had started dating a guy who I thought was great. The beginning of Fall term, my second year at WOU, was fast approaching. I was happier with my life. A fresh start I thought. A new beginning. Part way through Fall term the guy and I move in together. A different approach to exclusiveness for me, since marriage was the farthest thing from my mind. A taboo word for me even. We dated for 10 months, until the beginning of summer this year. Without going down a rabbit trail, we can just say he was not a good match for me.

Another new school year is approaching. I am still at WOU, still an art major. This time, however, I am going into this school year as a single woman. No attachments to any significant other. Not to mention I am also now living more on my own than I ever have before. It's a new feeling for me. Scares me, quite frankly. But it's also a good feeling. I am a serial monogamist. I go from one relationship to another with not much time in-between where I am actually single. No time to just be my own person. No chance to be my own person. Because I am a people pleaser when it comes to relationships. If there is a problem, I will change in order to fix it. Over the past few months I have realized this about myself and am in the process of actually standing up for myself and not being walked all over... but those of you who are similar probably can sympathize how difficult it is to change a part of your own personality, even if it is for the better.

Overall, I'm excited for this new school year. I am excited for what this new year will bring. I am terrified of being a responsible adult, but I think I'll be okay. I still have close friends and people who care about me.

But sometimes it's hard to be optimistic about certain life situations when all you truly want is to be accepted and loved by someone who you are also madly in love with. Is it really just a fairy tale? A hopeless romantic thought? Am I damned to repeat a cycle of "new beginnings" every Fall?