Fall: A Time of Reflection

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are

With the weather getting colder, I notice that I start to become more nostalgic. I look back to where I was in life and compare it to where I am now. It's a bittersweet feeling, as I imagine it often is for most.

Two years ago, around this time, I was just transferring to WOU as a Junior in the Art program. I was married. Excited for my new start as an art major at a new school. I had a husband who loved me and a dog that I adored. (Notice the wording of that previous sentence... if you read into it, it probably explains a bit of how I was back then.) I had a great life. A life that I'm sure some friends envied. I was only 23 years old, almost 24, and was married, lived in the hills of West Salem in a beautiful two story house. My husband and I would go on several mini-vacations through out the year and a big vacation during the summers. I had the life. The American dream for some. But alas, I was unhappy through it all. Why? Well, it's not something I feel the need to explain anymore. I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand it all myself.

Fast forward a year. I was 24, almost 25. I had separated from my husband in the Spring and was living with a friend. Over the summer the divorce was finalized. I had started dating a guy who I thought was great. The beginning of Fall term, my second year at WOU, was fast approaching. I was happier with my life. A fresh start I thought. A new beginning. Part way through Fall term the guy and I move in together. A different approach to exclusiveness for me, since marriage was the farthest thing from my mind. A taboo word for me even. We dated for 10 months, until the beginning of summer this year. Without going down a rabbit trail, we can just say he was not a good match for me.

Another new school year is approaching. I am still at WOU, still an art major. This time, however, I am going into this school year as a single woman. No attachments to any significant other. Not to mention I am also now living more on my own than I ever have before. It's a new feeling for me. Scares me, quite frankly. But it's also a good feeling. I am a serial monogamist. I go from one relationship to another with not much time in-between where I am actually single. No time to just be my own person. No chance to be my own person. Because I am a people pleaser when it comes to relationships. If there is a problem, I will change in order to fix it. Over the past few months I have realized this about myself and am in the process of actually standing up for myself and not being walked all over... but those of you who are similar probably can sympathize how difficult it is to change a part of your own personality, even if it is for the better.

Overall, I'm excited for this new school year. I am excited for what this new year will bring. I am terrified of being a responsible adult, but I think I'll be okay. I still have close friends and people who care about me.

But sometimes it's hard to be optimistic about certain life situations when all you truly want is to be accepted and loved by someone who you are also madly in love with. Is it really just a fairy tale? A hopeless romantic thought? Am I damned to repeat a cycle of "new beginnings" every Fall?