Nostalgia Kills

I feel like I'm perpetually looking at or living in the past. Forever yearning in a nostalgic haze for the kind of childhood friendship where you are "glued at the hip" with one-another.

But adulthood, responsibilty, and life get in the way now.

Abandonment & BPD

"Abandonment is a cumulative wound. It contains all of the disappointment, disconnection, rejection, heartache, self-doubt, self-frustration, and shame we’ve ever felt since childhood. Feeling rejected and cast off can thrust us into an emotional time warp, unleashing a torrent of emotion that seems all out of proportion to the actual event. These primal feelings form the basis of the molten lava that spews from the rock bottom of our emotional core to the freshly opened wound, volcanically consuming us in their power to entirely interrupt our lives, at least during the initial stages.

In borderline personality disorder (BPD), it takes a lesser event to trigger an equally painful emotional response, through no fault of the person suffering from this syndrome of emotional dysregulation. This hyper-reactivity is also a cornerstone of PTSD of Abandonment (a category which offers overlapping, alternative etiology and terminology). Borderline reactions are not voluntary, yet the sufferer wears guilt and shame for their emotional excessiveness. Those who’ve been through a painful breakup can truly appreciate the pain a Borderline must feel on a chronic basis.

Borderline is a disease of the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, the part of the brain responsible for the Fight Flee Freeze response. In the Borderline the amygdala is set on overdrive, in a perpetual state of emergency, creating chronic hyper-vigilance and emotional hijacking."

Anger Management Issues

Ah, online personal blogs.... where you can write almost anything and have nothing to worry about, because no one's reading your crap anyway.

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I have an anger management problem, this manifests as snapping at people around me, not handling criticism very well, and just being unpleasant to be around at certain times. To be honest some part of me still tells myself that these issues are caused by the idiots around me, yet I should know that my emotions are my responsibility and whether I choose to show them is also my choice; how do I prevent what I can't control, sometimes what I can't see, when it happens?

It bothers me that I rarely see how aggrivated I get until later -if at all- and in the rare times I am aware of how I'm acting,  I usually describe it as watching from a 3rd person perspective. I know that I'm yelling, I know I'm arguing over something stupid or blowing it out of proportion, but I can't make myself stop. I feel justified in some way; I'd been wronged and needed justice.

My relationship can be stressful, because I'm almost always irritated about something, or wake up angry/annoyed. And my S.O. can only be so understanding, after putting up with me for close to 4 years now. Not to say that I don't put up with quirks in their behavior as well, but I'm obviously more explosive.

When I get like this, nothing calms me down, save for hitting something like a wall (I need to buy a punching bag). I have a past history of cutting myself as a bad coping mechanism, I don't anymore, but I do think about it.

Know that if it were up to me I'd show no emotion when I get irritated, but I know this is not a real solution, because I'd still get irritated by what people do.

How do you see your anger?

This makes me sad, because it all mostly sounds true.

I complain a lot. I know I do. And what's frustrating is that I grew up around a girl that use to complain all the time. I use to think she "wasn't happy unless she had something to complain about." Well now I'M that girl and it pisses me off.... is that irony? I don't know.

I hear or read about what people think of those of us with BPD, and it makes me sad... because it all mostly sounds true:

"People with BPD are needy and demanding and tend to be overly dramatic in expressing their needs. They have no problem expressing their needs, and do it regularly and often, and they do not realize that most of the time their reactions to perceived slights are inappropriate. And they tend to feel slighted in almost all relationships.

Because for borderlines, its all about them all the time. They demand love and attention, and feel intense emotion when they don't get what they want in relationships with other people. Being in relationship either as a friend, family member or romantic partner with someone who is borderline is exhausting and stress-filled. The borderline can go from expressing extreme despair to extreme fury in seconds, and blame everyone else for their problems.

These people are the perpetual "victim" all the time. Borderlines can be charming and sweet, but it soon turns ugly when you do or say something that they interpret as not giving them what they think they "deserve". This is why others feel they are manipulative. Unless a person who has borderline personality disorder successfully participates in psychological counseling, all their relationships will be unsatisfying to them and ultimately they will get what they fear the most --- abandonment by those they want to be close to. They drive people away. Borderlines are exhausting people who suck the joy and life out of almost every situation because of their desperate insecurities and focus on the self."

Whoever wrote this obviously has some strong feelings towards people with BPD, but I can sympathize. If I had to put up with someone like me, well, I probably wouldn't. My boyfriend is a saint, it seems. (Just don't tell him I said that.)

Though personally, I know I'm not as horrible as this person is describing. Oh sure, I've been there, I've acted like what he/she describes, but I've also become more aware of myself in the past couple years.

Every day is a fucking battle, and sure, some days I let the pain and anger and all that other nonsense win... but other days, I count it a victory if I'm able to function like a "normal" human being. My victories may look small or even mundane to others, but they aren't to me.

Alice

Remember, Remember, the 5th of November

Geeking Out

I feel the need to share these things and I get tired of posting on Facebook. Click on any images to enlarge.

1) Super Hero Cake

I WANT this cake! Anyone reading, feel free to make this for my 26th birthday
(November 12th... just in case). ;) I do feel like the Green Lantern needs to be shown on here some how though. It's just not right for the Emerald Knight to be missing...

2) Html Cake

Here's another geeky birthday cake I thought was pretty funny. I saw this awhile ago and have had the picture saved on my computer for awhile.

3) Lego Matrix

4) The Evolution of the Geek

Which Geek Are You?

5) Atari Wall Decals (ThinkGeek.com)

6) Lego USB Memory Brick (ThinkGeek.com)

You can even stack 'em :)

7) Crayon Executive Pen (ThinkGeek.com)

Ballpoint pen that looks like a giant crayon!

8) 8-Bit Hanger (ThinkGeek.com)

Bringing your 2D User Interface into the real world

9) Laser Guided Scissors




































10) His & Hers Chromosome Towels

Geeky Housewarming or Wedding Gift - Discount at ThinkGeek.com if you buy a set (in any combination)

11) World's First Robot Pop Star

For an article on it, click here

12) A Ring to Rule All Geeks


13) Geeking Out for Halloween






























14) Marvel Superheroes Re-Imagined in the World of TRON!

For more, go here.